C.K.L.'S HOTSHEET ^*

1 JOE KENDALL He doesn't agree with the federal government's 1996 decision to keep regional Baby Bells out of the long-distance telephone market. His disagreement annoys the Justice Department, AT&T, MCI, Sprint, ... you get the idea.

2 MATURITY I'm not left-handed, and neither am I.

3 DID SOMEONE SAY "PROMETHEUS"? I would prefer a less megalomaniacal advocate for human cloning, but I still think G. Richard Seed is on the right track.

4 SPAM, SPAM, GO AWAY News flash: AOL users don't want junk Email. And the sky is blue.

5 AARON HALLMARK'S HOLLOW LEG After seven hard drinks in twenty-five minutes, he was still standing. How, you ask? Maybe it was the cheese pizza. Maybe it was the olive oil. Or maybe he just sold his soul to the devil.

6 TITANIC Nothing out-grosses the James Cameron epic! It keeps going and going and going and ...

7 THE ICE STORM Life imitates art? Millions suffer, and this only proves what we've always known -- dihydrogen monoxide is a deadly substance.

8 SKIING DOESN'T KILL PEOPLE ... skiing into trees kills people. But absolutely no vodka was involved in either incident.

9 ICE PIRATES NASA sends the Lunar Prospector to look for water on the moon. Who knew?

10 HEROISM Blame Loren Cheng for digging up this URL and getting me all misty-eyed over the first paragraph. I miss Ace.

11 DIAL "M" FOR MERGER AT&T has agreed to acquire Teleport Communications Group, a local telecom provider, for $11.3 billion in AT&T stock. And you thought breaking into the long-distance telephone market was expensive.

12 BALLOONING DOESN'T KILL PEOPLE ... high-velocity deceleration trauma would kill people. I guess beer does destroy brain cells.

13 THE UNABOMB TRIAL Let's review, now: Theodore Kaczynski won't plead insanity ... is denied a request to fire his lawyers and represent himself in court ... agrees to a psychological evaluation ... then unsuccessfully tries to hang himself with his underwear. Wasn't this an episode of Law & Order?

14 WHERE'S THE KABOOM? Scientists have gathered new evidence to support the theory that the universe will continue to expand forever, with no end in sight. Hard to believe Douglas Adams was wrong about that.