C.K.L.'S HOTSHEET ^*

1 COMPAQ + DIGITAL = ? The biggest merger in the history of computing -- so far -- and Bill Gates wasn't involved. Thank Ghod for small favors.

2 JUDGE BENJAMIN ARANDA Requiescat in pace. As Gavin Wasserman says: "To any law students ... I request that you look up Judge Aranda's personal data on Westlaw or Lexis. I can say without exaggeration, that Ben Aranda had a career of distinguished service each of us should aspire to and admire."

3 MONICA LEWINSKY Bill Clinton makes an impassioned denial of all the misconduct allegations, and his approval ratings go through the roof. The irony's so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

4 THE STATE OF THE UNION Well, there's a vast right-wing conspiracy against the executive branch, but other than everything's just hunky dory.

5 PROGRAMMERS ON TRIAL? North Carolina Attorney General Mike Easley wants to prosecute a class-action lawsuit against the computer industry on account of the much-ballyhooed year 2000 (Y2K) bug. Yeah. Just make sure you're not using any computers to store those court records, pal.

6 BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA You fucking idiot. You set a nail-bomb to fatally discourage visits to the New Woman, All Women Health Care Clinic, and you end up killing an off-duty cop. Now every police in the county is after your ass, and they're going to hunt down and prosecute you to the maximum extent of the law. What were you thinking?

7 DARWIN AWARDS The 1997 winner(s) will be announced on April 1. You still have time to submit your favorite anecdote!

8 LEXUS RECALL Do you own an LS 400? Have you been driving it underwater? You should read this before you take it out for a spin again.

9 THE NEARNESS OF YOU Fast, cheap, and out of terrestrial orbit, the Near Earth Asteroid Rendezvous (NEAR) spacecraft is now on its way to meet 433 Eros. Wait for it.

10 DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL ...and don't discharge.

11 GROUNDHOG DAY This year, you can watch Punxsutawney Phil make his prediction on-line via an almost-live Webcast. Or you can sleep in and put on a sweater before you go outdoors.

12 THE YEAR OF THE TIGER Celebrate the Chinese new year with fifteen days of non-stop ... uh ... eating.

13 TREKKIES Something for the trivia keepers: No Star Trek cast member has ever been stalked by a fan. But the average Trek fan does spend about $400 a year on Trek merchandise.

14 PHANTOMS Paul Tatara says: "Horror movie rules have, of course, changed over the years, so I don't blame any of the characters for jumping up and down and getting poopy pants when the beast makes his elaborately icky appearances, but, man, it seems like they'd see it coming after a while. The same scene takes place so many times you start to feel like you're watching a public service announcement on the perils of monster-related déjà vu."