C.K.L.'S HOTSHEET ^*

01 GRAMMY AWARDS Bob Dylan wins the gray-haired ponytail prize. Hanson gets just what they deserve (i.e., nothing). And the Soy Bomber remains a mystery.

02 PENTAGON HACKERS Are you sure we can't blame this on The X-Files?

03 USENET DEATH PENALTY Netcom Communications, vilified due to excessive spam postings to newsgroups by its users, narrowly escapes censure by Cabal Network Security. "The hardest part about playing chicken is knowing when to flinch."

04 TAX-FREE INTERNET President Clinton decrees that there will be no extra charges for Internet access. Let's see how long this distraction lasts...

05 PALMPILOT III: This time it's wireless.

06 JERRY RICE says: "Clearly, I was in the wrong place, definitely at the wrong time ... Within minutes of my arrival to the spa, the Police Department entered the building with a court order closing the business. Needless to say, I was surprised by this police action."

07 DA BOMB Finally, a news source that isn't afraid to tell the real story of America's military strategy against Iraq!

08 MOSSAD Man! This spy business is hard!

09 ANTARCTICA Kim Stanley Robinson was right: paint the snow red, hide the Australians, and voila! Red Mars.

10 SOLAR ECLIPSE Sorry, I don't have anything witty to say about this. We shouldn't even be watching the Sun and the Moon doin' the nasty.

11 NATALIE IMBRUGLIA says: "I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel / I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor / Illusion never changed into something real / I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn / You're a little late, I'm already torn"

12 TAHOE TRIP If a novice snowboarder falls down a hill and there are no other people around, does he make a sound?

13 YES, NO, IRRELEVANT? Things to do on a road trip, #301: solve lateral thinking puzzles like these.

14 I, TREKKIE Check out the winner of the Monthly Star Trek Contest for February 1998. And you thought I was just another drooling fanboy...