C.K.L.'S HOTSHEET ^*

01 PEEPS The amazing, indestructible birds survive all manner of laboratory tests. If you think that's alarming, check out the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project.

02 GSB CRASH Stanford Graduate students lose computer data, and-- surprise!-- no one really cares. And you wonder why Theodore Strelski went postal.

03 ANIME RULES No moving objects... no stripes... what's left? Huge motionless eyeballs, gravity-defying sweat beads, and giant robots painted in solid primary colors?

04 FRAME RELAY Er... yeah, the AT&T network did go down for a whole day and a half... Uh... it was a... um... software problem, yeah, that's the ticket!

05 E-STAMP The electronic postage system-- the first new "evidence of postage" since 1920-- has been approved by the U.S. Postal Service for beta testing. (Insert your own lame joke about folding/spindling/mutilating electrons and/or licking a computer monitor.)

06 CHESS The musical at Stanford kicks ass!

07 ARTHUR BELL A black ballet dancer found wandering the streets of New York is reunited with his family. Their first question: "Why Brooklyn?"

08 DIALAROUND Sure, I work for AT&T, but I also despise false advertising. I mean really, when's the last time your detergent made you smile? (Don't answer that if your response involves battery-operated devices or farm animals.)

09 CARTMAN'S FATHER Finally... the mystery revealed. Who knew South Park was such an educational program?

10 HE GOT GAME An onscreen kiss between Denzel "hunky Nubian prince" Washington and Milla "pasty white Fifth Element babe" Jovovich causes "angry outbursts by women during preview screenings in black communities." And you thought Republicans would be the first to complain.

11 MP3 A good format... but not as good as AAC, if you believe the hype.

12 LONG BRANCH New Jersey is a wasteland. Trust me, I've been there. Twice.

13 STAR TREK 9 The cast list has been finalized. Would anyone care to lay odds on whether F. Murray "Salieri" Abraham plays the villain?

14 GODZILLA Kirin has been named the official beer of the 1998 summer movie. Now we know why the giant lizard can't walk straight.