C.K.L.'S HOTSHEET ^*

01 THE MAD SCIENTIST NETWORK Don't get even-- get odd!

02 DOG PIES It's 1998 in northern Russia. Do you know what your meat pies are made out of?

03 PHIL HARTMAN Farewell to Troy McClure, Lionel Hutz, and so many others... we'll miss you.

04 MISQUOTED "The company intends, over the long-term, to move its entire network infrastructure -- including its long-distance voice network -- to an [Internet] platform called the Advanced Network Services Platform that will serve as the simplified basis for the creation of future services for AT&T."

05 BYTE MAGAZINE Another one bites the dust.

06 SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS Not happy with this year's crop? Grow your own hit movie!

07 THE DUMMY COW Who was it that said: "The affluence of a nation can be measured by the quality of its bovine sex toys"? Was it perhaps Jimmy?

08 BURN RATE No, it's not another William Gibson cyberpunk opus-- it's Michael Wolff's new I-swear-to-ghod-it's-true nonfiction book about the wacky world of Internet entrepeneurship. I know, it's easy to get the two genres confused.

09 NETOMANIA Do you suffer from Internet addiction? Now there's help! Just visit my website at http://...

10 LOVE BEEPER A new Japanese gadget alerts the wearer when someone of the opposite sex with similar interests comes within five meters. I'm sorry, I can't even make a joke on top of that.

11 CORPUS CHRISTI The controversial play by Terrence McNally portrays Jesus as homosexual. And you thought South Park was bad...

12 GINGER SPICE She's leaving the Spice Girls behind. Music lovers all over the world expressed deep indifference upon hearing the news.

13 MIR After three days of computer problems, the space station is ready to rendezvous with the Space Shuttle. (They just had to restart Windows 98 after un-installing Internet Explorer.)

14 SUPERMAN The archetypal comic book superhero celebrates his sixtieth birthday today, but the Man of Steel is still going strong (as shown here).