C.K.L.'S HOTSHEET ^*

01 THE SOUND OF SILENCE My downstairs neighbor isn't pounding as much anymore. Consider it "becalmed in hell".

02 THE STOCK MARKET One of my friends wants advice on investing. Another says, "You wouldn't gamble in vegas without having read an article or about odds and gambling, right?" [sic] Actually...

03 SPACE GHOST NEWS Your regular newscast is boring. Ghost Planet News is part of this complete breakfast.

04 THE BOAT Last year, a U.S. Navy submarine's computer systems crashed because Windows NT couldn't gracefully handle a "divide by zero" error. Meanwhile, a team from MIT won a submarine competition with a boat running Linux. Draw your own conclusions.

05 IMZADI 2 Comic-book writer Peter David has written a sequel to his Star Trek: The Next Generation prequel Imzadi. Please, save your money and spare yourself the agony.

06 EMBRYOS Can you tell which embryo is human?

07 P.A.W. It's the Pit of Advertising Wonders! ... and no, it doesn't involve female undergarments.

08 DELL Dell is now selling computers with the Linux operating system pre-installed. Because some people just can't stand working when they can pay someone else to do the work for them.

09 IMDB The website was redesigned by Amazon.com early this month. Nobody likes it.

10 XENA Secretary of State Madeleine Albright claims that the warrior princess is one of her role models. Not for business fashions, we hope.

11 STAR WARS CINEMA Let the copyright infringement begin.

12 GLOBALSTAR A Russian launch crew covered up a rocket crash for all of two hours. Old habits die hard, I guess.

13 THE EMMYS If you had a WebTV Plus, you could have watched the awards show with "Enhanced TV" (ETV) features. Because four hours of stale narration just isn't enough to satisfy today's information-hungry viewing audience.

14 RUPERT MURDOCH The head of the FOX Network nixes a TV movie based on Clarence Thomas' sexual harassment of Anita Hill. Showtime is expected to pick up the rights to continue its "deviant sexual behavior isn't so bad!" movie series.