C.K.L.'S HOTSHEET ^*

01 OPENTV + ECHOSTAR = ? Interactive satellite TV is on its way. Because picking up the phone for home shopping is just too much of a hassle.

02 PALM COMPUTING Microsoft recently attempted to assimilat-- er, purchase the 3Com division which makes PalmPilot handheld organizers. 3Com politely said "Go f**k yours"-- er, "No."

03 THE STATE OF THE ONION Larry Wall speaks on the Perl programming language. And lots of other random stuff.

04 RIO The RIAA's injunction against the portable MP3 player has been denied. As it should be. My people believe that no man can own music.

05 THE LAST BROADCAST Loral subsidiary CyberStar will distribute this film-- all 9GB of it-- in MPEG-2 format via satellite to theatres. Because it's KEWL, DØØDZ!!!

06 ELECTIONS Let's see-- should I vote for the dark-haired, mud-slinging, unscrupulous bastard, or the gray-haired, mud-slinging, unscrupulous bastard?

07 VIAGRA Airline pilots have been warned not to use it less than six hours before flying. (Insert your own "coffe and a blowjob" joke here.)

08 SMARTQUILL This new gadget uses accelerometers to accomplish handwriting recognition. Yet another useful technology made possible by the space cadet program.

09 BORIS YELTSIN The Russian President checks into a sanitarium. Don't even act surprised.