C.K.L.'S HOTSHEET ^*

01 SWEETWATER, TEXAS Aaron Hallmark and company are now in pre-production for an untitled documentary on the world's largest rattlesnake round-up. We travel in March.

02 OSCAR NOMINATIONS Titanic leads the pack with fourteen, count 'em, fourteen nods-- the most any movie's received since All About Eve, forty-seven years ago. (But what about Howard Stern?)

03 RAZZIES NOMINATIONS To no one's real surprise, Batman & Robin tops the 1997 roster of Hollywood's worst movies.

04 SHARON STONE + PHIL BRONSTEIN The popular movie star marries the executive editor of The San Francisco Examiner. On Valentine's Day. In Beverly Hills. Like, gag me with a TRO.

05 VALENTINE'S DAY Yet another holiday rooted in that bizarre cult known as "Christianity". You know, you can only be sainted after you're dead... but in the meantime, you can try out some interesting positions.

06 HATE E-MAIL There's free speech online, but also consequences for "fighting words". And don't even think about sending threatening messages to the President.

07 ERIC ROBERT RUDOLPH I've said it before, and I'll say it again: this guy's a fucking idiot.

08 ISRAELI HACKERS Now these are real hackers-- they break into the Knesset website with no malicious intent, identify some security holes, notify the webmaster, and leave without doing any serious damage. Then again, who (besides the PLO) would be stupid enough to mess with the Israeli government?

09 LINE ITEM VETO U.S. District Court Judge Thomas Hogan declares the Line-Item Veto Act to be unconstitutional "because it impermissibly disrupts the balance of powers among the three branches of government." Somebody page the Supremes-- they've got more work to do!

10 BAD IRAQ! BAD! Okay, so the situation is looking pretty grim, but don't worry-- the United Nations will fix everything before President Clinton pulls a George Bush on us. Really. Trust me. It'll be fine.

11 ROSS REBAGLIATI The Canadian snowboarding champion tests positive for marijuana, is stripped of his gold medal, then gets it back on a legal technicality. Yet another demonstration of the dangers of secondhand smoke.

12 AOL PRICE HIKE The national Internet service provider announces a 10% monthly price increase, effective in April. And I suppose this is to pay for their purchase of CompuServe? What, $175 million didn't cover the legal fees? Or are they just hoarding in anticipation of some federal anti-trust investigations?

13 WEBTV Bryan Bell and Karin Weekly give me my very own set-top terminal. I'm touched, but-- what does this button do?

14 SOUND BITES^TM Headline of the Week: "Revolutionary Lollipop Lets you Hear Music inside Your Head". I think this definitely qualifies as chindogu.